AITA for refusing to admit I lost the election despite facts, evidence, and reality?
Gail Vida Hamburg
I (male, 77 years young), extremely handsome, endowed with glorious lion’s mane, stable genius with IQ off the charts, ran for the highest office in the land in 2020 against Dozer (male, ancient 80 years old) crooked, slow, basement-dwelling, Beijing-loving sleaze ball. The chances of this bumbling, stumbling, aviator shades-wearing, pond scum beating me and winning more votes than me were less than zero. How could Startled Eyes win 81,000,000 votes and me, your favorite President of all time, get only 74,000,000?
Everyone loves me. I made America great again with my big brain, During my reign, toilets and showers flowed again like rivers. Before I turned the taps on, Cheatin’ Obama turned them off. Under Cheatin O’s vision plan, hope didn’t go down the toilet in one flush. People were flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once. We had a situation where we were looking very strongly at sinks and showers and other elements of bathrooms where you turned the faucet on – and in areas where there was tremendous amounts of water, where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it, and you don’t get any water. You turn on the faucet and you don’t get any water. They take a shower and water comes dripping out. Just dripping out, very quietly dripping out.You know I have this gorgeous head of hair – when I take a shower, I want water to pour down on me. When you go into these new homes with showers, the water drips down slowly, slowly. You have suds, beautiful nice wonderful suds, a lot of money, Procter & Gamble, all that crap that they sell they say is good, probably costs ’em about two cents and they sell it for $10. It takes you 10 minutes to wash your hair. You know what you do? You just stay in the shower about 10 times longer than you would have, it’s the same, you probably use more water. I broke all that up. I also took care of the yuge issue of light bulbs . The bulb that we’re being forced to use — No. 1, to me, most importantly, the light’s no good. I always look orange. The light is the worst. I took care of that.
My Chief of Staff, Reince Preibus told me, ”On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us to serve your agenda and the American people. And we're continuing to work very hard every day to accomplish these goals." How could I lose to Stumble Ass?
Everywhere I go, big, strong, powerful men come up to me. They grab me with tears in their eyes, crying with happiness. I had nine guys, big, strong, powerful, tough guys come up to me. Eight of them were crying. They said, Sir, Mr. President, thank you for everything. How could Liver Spot Face have received 306 electoral votes and me, who is automatically attracted to electors and just start kissing them, get 262 votes?
I know I won. Rudy who was paralytically, three sheets to the wind, shit-faced on election night told me so. I had no reason to doubt him since I’ve done as much as any President from FDR on down. Mike Pence had tears in his eyes when he told me at the first cabinet meeting, “It's the greatest privilege of my life to serve as vice president to a president who is keeping his word to the American people, and assembling a team that's bringing real change, real prosperity, real strength back to our nation.” Back then, I didn’t know he was the world’s most sensitive man. He became a pearl clutcher just because a few good and passionate people who love our country built gallows and shouted, hang Mike Pence.
I could go on and on about my accomplishments, but there are bad people, deranged people, coming after me. Rudy won’t take my calls since I stopped paying him, Mark Meadows turned Brahmin and treats me like an untouchable, and Melania responds only in Slovenian when I speak to her—a language I don’t understand. AITA?
SanFranNan: YTA. I’m lifting weights so I can punch you out.
Mar a Lago Lindsey: NTA. I love you to the moon and back.
Hawaii 44-O: OP, YTA. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold em. Give it up, get a life, bruh.
Lt.Col.AdamKitz: I served in Iraq and Afghanistan and YTA for setting fire to the Constitution.
KevMc: NAH. If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can’t I paint you?
LizNotDick: YTA. You lost and you knew it.
GenJKelly: Scared shitless, aren’t you? YTA. Pucker up, buttercup.
Yeller46@whitehouse.gov: Everyone Sucks Here Literally, but YTA, Man. God Save the Queen.
BeBestLady: Ti si rektum.
Gail Vida Hamburg is a novelist, screenwriter, and producer. Her novel, Liberty Landing, (Mirare Press 2019), a love letter to the American Experiment, was a 2018 finalist for the PEN-Bellwether Prize. www.gailvidahamburg.com