AITA for refusing to admit I lost the election despite facts, evidence, and reality?

-

 

by


Gail Vida Hamburg


I (male, 77 years young), extremely handsome, endowed with glorious lion’s mane, stable genius with IQ off the charts, ran for the highest office in the land in 2020 against Dozer (male, ancient 80 years old) crooked, slow, basement-dwelling, Beijing-loving sleaze ball. The chances of this bumbling, stumbling, aviator shades-wearing, pond scum beating me and winning more votes than me were less than zero. How could Startled Eyes win 81,000,000 votes and me, your favorite President of all time, get only 74,000,000? 


Everyone loves me. I made America great again with my big brain, During my reign, toilets and showers flowed again like rivers. Before I turned the taps on, Cheatin’ Obama turned them off. Under Cheatin O’s vision plan, hope didn’t go down the toilet in one flush. People were flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once. We had a situation where we were looking very strongly at sinks and showers and other elements of bathrooms where you turned the faucet on – and in areas where there was tremendous amounts of water, where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it, and you don’t get any water. You turn on the faucet and you don’t get any water. They take a shower and water comes dripping out. Just dripping out, very quietly dripping out.You know I have this gorgeous head of hair – when I take a shower, I want water to pour down on me. When you go into these new homes with showers, the water drips down slowly, slowly. You have suds, beautiful nice wonderful suds, a lot of money, Procter & Gamble, all that crap that they sell they say is good, probably costs ’em about two cents and they sell it for $10. It takes you 10 minutes to wash your hair. You know what you do? You just stay in the shower about 10 times longer than you would have, it’s the same, you probably use more water. I broke all that up. I also took care of the yuge issue of light bulbs . The bulb that we’re being forced to use — No. 1, to me, most importantly, the light’s no good. I always look orange. The light is the worst. I took care of that.


My Chief of Staff, Reince Preibus told me, ”On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us to serve your agenda and the American people. And we're continuing to work very hard every day to accomplish these goals." How could I lose to Stumble Ass?


Everywhere I go, big, strong, powerful men come up to me. They grab me with tears in their eyes, crying with happiness. I had nine guys, big, strong, powerful, tough guys come up to me. Eight of them were crying. They said, Sir, Mr. President, thank you for everything. How could Liver Spot Face have received 306 electoral votes and me, who is automatically attracted to electors and just start kissing them, get 262 votes?


 I know I won. Rudy who was paralytically, three sheets to the wind, shit-faced on election night told me so. I had no reason to doubt him since I’ve done as much as any President from FDR on down. Mike Pence had tears in his eyes when he told me at the first cabinet meeting, “It's the greatest privilege of my life to serve as vice president to a president who is keeping his word to the American people, and assembling a team that's bringing real change, real prosperity, real strength back to our nation.” Back then, I didn’t know he was the world’s most sensitive man. He became a pearl clutcher just because a few good and passionate people who love our country built gallows and shouted, hang Mike Pence.


I could go on and on about my accomplishments, but there are bad people, deranged people, coming after me. Rudy won’t take my calls since I stopped paying him, Mark Meadows turned Brahmin and treats me like an untouchable, and Melania responds only in Slovenian when I speak to her—a language I don’t understand.  AITA?


SanFranNan: YTA. I’m lifting weights so I can punch you out.


Mar a Lago Lindsey: NTA. I love you to the moon and back.


Hawaii 44-O: OP, YTA. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold em. Give it up, get a life, bruh.


Lt.Col.AdamKitz: I served in Iraq and Afghanistan and YTA for setting fire to the Constitution.


KevMc: NAH. If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can’t I paint you?


LizNotDick: YTA. You lost and you knew it.


GenJKelly:  Scared shitless, aren’t you?  YTA. Pucker up, buttercup.


Yeller46@whitehouse.gov: Everyone Sucks Here Literally, but YTA, Man. God Save the Queen.


BeBestLady: Ti si rektum.




Gail Vida Hamburg is a novelist, screenwriter, and producer. Her novel, Liberty Landing,    (Mirare Press 2019), a love letter to the American Experiment, was a 2018 finalist for the PEN-Bellwether Prize.  www.gailvidahamburg.com 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Elias Canetti's Auto-da-Fe

-
  Elias Canetti’s   Auto-da-Fe Annotation by Gail Vida Hamburg Author of   The Edge of the World   (Mirare Press) “You believe in alarming people to the point of panic. Is it the writer’s function to bring more fear into the world?” Herman Broch once asked Elias Canetti. Presumably, Broch was responding to Canetti’s Auto-da-Fe, a cautionary tale about the dangers of detached intellectualism. Canetti originally planned his tragi-comic tale set in Vienna and Paris in the 1930s, as part of a series of novels about mad men and visionaries. It became instead, an absurdist romp about one man’s descent into insanity by mass provocation. The main character in the novel is Peter Kien, the world’s foremost authority on China, and evidently everything else. “No branch of human literature was unfamiliar to him … the few papers he had published were known word for word by his peers … a sentence once set down by him was decisive and binding … in controversial questions he was the ...
Read more

Conquered "One Hundred Years of Solitude"

-
  "... Races condemned to one hundred years of solitude do not have a second opportunity on earth."      -- One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez Annotation by Gail Vida Hamburg Author of   The Edge of the World   (Mirare Press) Whereas in the West, one thinks of “solitude” as a desired state, a reward for putting oneself through the daily machinations of industry and commerce; solitude as I understand it in Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s epic novel,   One Hundred Years of Solitude , speaks of a different, sadder condition—not the European notion of existentialism, but a profound loneliness, a sentence of exile. Jose Arcadio Buendia and his men, and their families were wanderers who had crossed the mountains to find the sea. When two years had gone by and they had still not located it, they stopped at the bank of a river. Because they could go no further, nor return to the past, they settled on the ground beneath their feet. They called it...
Read more

Oh What A Book - Yann Martel's Life of Pi

-
  Yann Martel’s   Life of Pi Reviewed by Gail Vida Hamburg Author of   The Edge of the World   (Mirare Press) Life of Pi   begins earnestly with a fetchingly loquacious Author’s Note. In the italicized prelude, Yann Martel explains the perfunctory response to his previous novel in his native Canada: “Reviewers were puzzled, or damned it with faint praise. Then readers ignored it.” Martel explains his flight to India to finish his work in progress, a tale set in Portugal in 1939. “Unfortunately,” he writes “the novel sputtered, coughed and died … an element is missing, that spark that brings to life a real story. The discovery is something soul-destroying.” The disillusioned writer mentions his wanderings through South India, on no particular mission apparently, other than to lose himself. In Pondicherry--a former French colonial outpost south of Madras--he meets an elderly man, Francis Adirubasamy, who tells him ominously, ‘I have a story that will make you beli...
Read more